I'm a failure.

I just don't see it
I really am that horrible.
I was just a bet
No one could be interested in the fat chick.
I can just hear it now,
"You'd have to pay me!"
I can just see you laughing,
joking with your friends.
It's only the fat chick,
she doesn't have any feelings
under all that whale blubber.

I thought I was your daughter.
Doesn't that mean you want what's best for me?
I'm your caregiver.
I'm your housekeeper.
I bring in your income.
Tell me what's her ex-boyfriend's name?
You didn't even know she had a boyfriend, did you?!
Tell me, who's his science teacher?
Tell me, what AP class am I an?
Show everyone else the real you,
not the painted image of perfect mom.

You and Me.

Your eyes sparkle in the light.
I wish they sparkled at me.

I can hear your laughter.
I wish it was with me.

I can see your smile.
I wish it was at me.

I can see your arms around her.
I wish they were around me.

I can see you kiss her.
I wish you'd kiss me.

I hear you say, "I love you."
I wish you'd say that to me.

I wish I was her.
Small, pretty, skinnier.
Then maybe I'd be your girl.

One day,
One day,
That's all a girl can do is dream about one day.

Even if that one day never happens,
I know I have your friendship.
I know you'll be there.
I just wish...
I just wish...
I just wish I could be her,
the one you love.

I was inspired...

I was inspired by MTV's If you really knew me:

25 things you probably don't know about me:

1. When I was very young I had a 104 degree fever losing my enemal on my teeth.
2. I deal with depression every day of my life.
3. Two years ago on Sept 10th, I made a choice to stop cutting. I hope I never have to go back to that.
4. I am more independent than the world allows me right now.
5. My dad is not in my life, adn will not ever again be in my life.
6. I plan to go to college for Special Education.
7. My little brother is my greatest inspiration.
8. My aunt is my one true role model.
9. The love of my life will be joining the Marines next yr.
10. My best friend is getting married to her Air Force fiancee in 2 yrs after he gets back from England.
11. I'm leaning more and more away from Chrisitanity every day. I do not like how judgemental it is.
12. My goal in life is to visit New York.
13. Honestly I feel as if I don't matter to the world, why even try?
14. I'll never be good enough for my mother.
15. Music is my escape and now that I cannot currently find my ipod, I'm going crazy.
16. If I could get in my car and just drive right now i totally would.
17. I really want to just get on a bus one day and see where I end up.
18. I hate my name, Rachel! It will be changed to Rachelle the day i turn 18.
19. My first crush that I had in Elementary School had the most gorgoeous red hair... Now he smokes pot..
20. My paternal grandmother's facebook pic is her chugging Jack Daniels.
21. I love my grandpa more than life. The day he dies I will be in hysterics.
22. This summer alone I have lost 55lbs. So why don't i feel pretty yet?
23. I can play guitar and I do write some of my own songs.
24. I never wear makeup. I feel like a whore when I do.
25. I don't know that anyone would care if I died today.

I feel the world twisting and turning
Like the rollercoaster we rode together just a few weeks past.
I'm afraid you'll walk right outta my life,
Yet I can't get you outta my head.

When I picture the future it's you I see.
I can't think of it any other way.
The life I've chosen,
The life I've led isn't the greatest.
Sometimes I wish I could change it.
But never change you,

When I hear those words, "bitchface", "whore"
Directed at me by you, I thought you loved me?
I don't hear a joking tone or a sexual manner.
I hear, "I don't respect you. Get out of my life."
Everytime I say it and I'll continue to,
"If you want me out of your life, say it and I'm gone."
The words left unspoken keep me awake at night.
Did I just catch him off guard?
Did he not have a thought to speak?
Does he really want me in his life?

Am I just a twisted jumble of garbage?
His suitable arm candy?
Well I have a girlfriend so I must be cool!
Even if it is the fat chick.

I wonder, do you really love me?
Or do you see the same thing I do when I look in the mirror?
The ugly, imperfect, fat chick.

Drop 150 lbs, die your hair, grow it long, wear contacts and makeup and you *might* have a chance at being pretty.

Oh, the effect you have on me.

I wrote this poem yesterday while sitting at Culvers for 5 hrs waiting for my boy to get off at 10. Just watching him work and then his eyes shift over to me it melted me so i wrote this... Enjoy!

When I look into your eyes,

there's a light,

a bright light,

that says "I love my big girl"

When you wrap your arms around me

I know you don't want to lose me.

When you smile,

that bright illuminating smile of yours,

it fills the room

and my heart.

When you whisper those 3 words,

my head on your shoulder,

"I love you" I smile.

The tenderness

and vulnerability held in those 3 words

make me realize you speak the truth.

Truth be told,

I love you,

Tho you don't believe me.

You love me.

I know you do.

We may not last forever

or even another day

but true love doesn't expire.

True love will conquer all.

We may not possess true love.

We may not possess love for one another,

But in the here and now,

I'm your girl,

You're my boy.

I wouldn't trade you for the world

and

I love you.

I don't like this feeling, i don't like it at all...!

So lately there has been alot of stuff on my mind..especially with the boy. Yeah we've had our issues and yeah i love him more than anything but it just seems like I'm not getting the same amount of love and respect back from him. I've lost him to this girl, Jackie, once before and he's always crackin jokes when we're hanging out that he'd be having more fun with her than he is with me. And a part of me says that he really is only joking and really does wanna be with me but then again another part of me says to think rationally...

The part of me that is thinking rationally isn't letting my heart fall as far as it once did, I'm not letting myself completely relax and feel safe and at home in his arms b/c for all ik i could be replaced by her tomorrow and that thought terrifies me so i have this mindset that if i dont get too attached to him then it wont hurt so bad when hes gone... And ik it's not fair to Yasher to not tell him but its terrifying to me to even talk abt that kinda stuff with him because he does not process phrases like "I'm not breaking up with you but i want to talk to you abt something..." His guard automatically goes up which is understandable mine would to but its scary...

It's scary to think that one day I'm gonna wake up and he's gonna be gone.. He's gonna be in her arms and i"m once again gonna be standing here lost and confused and dumbfounded,,,


I dont like this feeling, i dont like it at all...!!

My imagination story....

So for my intro to theatre class i had to write a story using my imagination and this is what i came up with:

As I lay here, the deafening boom still ringing in my ears I worry not for my own safety but for the safety of my fellow soldiers. They were lucky enough not to be shot, yet unlucky for they are still out there fighting. I am sitting here in the medic tent in the blistering heat, awaiting the news. Will I heal up and go back to fighting or will I be sent home? I am still unaware of what I did to my leg when I fell. The enemy fire knocked the wind out of me and pushed me to the ground. The nurses are hustling and bustling around me. I can tell from their chatter more enemy fire has terrorized the camp. More soldiers have been hurt, and many more killed. My eyes wander to a newspaper. They object to the war. They believe we are doing nothing over here, that we have no right or need to be here. Those lying at home in their nice warm quiet houses, playing with their children, going to work, and school and living their lives don't realize that everyday we fight to keep them safe. They protest, and complain. They want the war to end. They think we don't also want to go back home to our families, our children, our lovers, our nieces and nephew, brother and sisters and friends. As the pain medicine the brave nurse has given me slowly begins to take hold I grab hold of a pen and paper. I must get my thoughts down on paper before I can no longer even hold the pen. As my thoughts begin to slow I write:




For all the free people that still protest, you're welcome,
We protect you and you are protected by the best
Your voice is strong and loud, but who will fight for you
No one standing in your crowd.

We are fathers, brothers, and sons
wearing the boots, carrying the guns.
We are the ones who leave all we own,
to make sure your future is carved in stone.

We are the ones who fight and die.
We might not be able to save the world, we'll at least try.
We walked the path to where we're at
and we want no choice other than that.

So when you rally your group to complain,
take a look in the back of your brain.
In order for that flag you love to fly
wars must be fought and young men must die.

We came here to fight for the ones we hold dear
If that's not respected, we would rather stay here.
So please stop yelling and put down your signs,
and pray for those behind enemy lines.

When the conflict is over and all is well,
be thankful that we chose to go through hell.


The pen drops to his side as he allows the pain medicine to take him away into his dreams about ever holding his newborn son in his arms and wrapping his arms around his young new bride.

And I'm back

So it's been a longgggg time since I posted something so I felt the need to post something...

So according to blogger my last post was in October! Holy wow,,, its been 6 months already!? Doesn't feel like that long at all...! It feels like it was just yesterday that I wrote that last post.

But anyways aside from not posting in forever a lot has happened since October (maybe that’s why I haven’t posted in forever) Well lets see,,, my great aunt Bernice finally lost her battle with cancer November 25th, 2009. It was so hard not going to her house for Thanksgiving. It broke my heart. I remember going there every Thanksgiving as a little kid, and being so excited when I turned 13 and could finally sit at the grown up table instead of at the little kid table. RIP Auntie. 11/30/22-11/25/09 You will be missed.

Christmas was uneventful, well not really. My little brother Jesse went over by my sperm donor's house. I call him sperm donor b/c he is not a father. If I never have to speak to that sorry excuse for a man ever again in my life, my life will be complete. A real man is going to stand by his kids and his kids are going to come before his lover, the same lover that he cheated on his kid's mom and former wife with! Speaking of them being divorced, March 8th of 2010 they were divorced 5 years. We threw a party at my house. Dead serious. haha. My little sister made a cake and everything. It highly amused me.

January was a lot more eventful than Christmas. Some of you may remember Yasher. I may or may not have mentioned him in a previous post, I don’t remember. Well anyways he was my ex boyfriend. We dated from Dec 8th of '08 to June 16th of '09. And I had made myself a goal. I was completely over him but he was trying to play both me and his new girl, I told myself I was done with him. Completely. I wasn't even going to be friends with him. That was one of my New Year's resolutions, not to talk to him. And I was doing great on keeping my resolution until he showed up at my house Jan 17th at 9pm, shaking, crying, terrified of going home. He didn't know where else to go. So he came to my house, because he knew his friend with benefits, Jackie, wouldn’t be willing to help him. He stayed at our mutual friend Ben's house for a few days while trying to get everything sorted out with the Wisconsin Child Bureau of Welfare. His dad has severe anger management issues along with depression and he's bipolar and very violently physical. His father also shows GREAT disrespect for women. But that’s a completely different story. I bought him some new clothes and such since all had was what he was wearing when his dad told him to get out and what he could shove in his pockets at the last second. So I bought him so new clothes so he would at least have a change of clothes. And some necessities like toothbrush and paste. He stayed at my house for awhile probably about a week and a half. That was the most depressive I've ever seen him. I've seen him depressed before but never that depressed. It was scary to me. He was biting his hands and lips until he bled. I was literally holding his arms for over 3 hours one day refusing to let him bite himself. I told him that if he wanted to bite himself he was going to have to bite thru me first. And because he was hurting himself I was becoming upset because much as I try and say I'm done with him and I don’t care about him that’s impossible. He was and will always be my first love. And in some sense we will always some physical connection b/c of the things we have done together. But we did end up getting back together on the 20th of January. And I wouldn't have it any other way. We have our differences and our arguments don’t get me wrong but who doesn’t? My mom didn’t know about us for awhile because my mom didn’t care for him. But we eventually did the responsible thing and told my mom. He ended up staying at Walker's Point for two wks which is a runaway shelter near me, I absolutely bawled my eyes out when we dropped him off and I had to drive away. I couldn't stand just leaving him there. My older sister stayed there for awhile quite a few years ago and she told me it was a reputable place but still I had spent almost two weeks straight with him prior to that so leaving him there broke my heart. He ended up feeling safe and comfortable there so it was a positive but leaving him there was hard. His father did end up coming down to Walker's Point for family therapy. And Yasher ended up going home and for awhile things were good. But as Yasher had predicted eventually things went back to the way they were originally. It was as if nothing ever changed. Yasher got a job and tries to stay out of his house as much as possible nowadays. He got a job, and he's always welcome at my house and almost always over there. If he walks in my house now my mom and siblings look up go “Hey Yasher’s here!” and go back to what they were doing. Dad’s mental instability is not improving at all. Dad still refuses to take his medication. Therefore as I said things are all back to normal for my boy. His dad won’t let him eat anything that his dad has bought unless Yasher goes shopping with him. His dad goes shopping at the same time every week. Yasher’s working at that same time every week. And living with my little brother who is mildly autistic makes me wonder if Yasher’s dad is autistic, or has Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of autism) For those of you that don’t know what Asperger’s is it is a form of autism that tends to mess with the social aspects of life. You don’t understand what is and isn’t appropriate to share and at what time. You also tend to take others accomplishments in society and get extremely upset over why you didn’t accomplish those goals. Zolly (Yasher’s older brother) does not experience any of these same things as Yasher as Dad as Zolly on such a high pedestal it’s not even funny. Zolly can do no wrong in the world. And 95% of Dad’s complex with Zolly is that Zolly has learned to just go with what Dad says and Dad has brought up Zolly the same way. Yasher is scum and Mom is an inferior being to us, the big macho men. Thankfully my boy is not like that. And I’ve already told Yasher if it comes to it I will go nose to nose with his dad. His dad is a big guy so he’ll probably beat the crap out of me but if it comes between me or Yasher getting hit I’m going to choose me. I’ve already seen Yasher get hit too many times for my own sanity. Yasher has told me I’m not allowed to go up against Zolly or Michael (his dad) that he’ll take care of it. But I will still go nose to nose with them. Neither one of them deserves to live as far as I'm concerned. His mom tho is a different story. His mom is the sweetest, most kind hearted person despite the war zone she lives in. She gets pulled around by her hair, kicked, called names and treated like shit by her husband and her own son! Not Yasher, Zolly. Yasher gets the crap beaten out of him when he tries to stick up for mom, which breaks my heart. But he feels as if he must stand up and try and protect his mom. He’d rather himself take the blows than his mom. This to me says a lot. Both about Yasher and his dad. Well now to stop rambling Yasher and I are back together again and I couldn’t be happier. (:

Now that I’m going on 3 pages I’ll end this rambling, life is good. In general it’s good. I wouldn’t change where I am today for the world because the past has helped to make me who I am today and that is a strong, confident woman of 16.

I am me.

~Rachelle