I miss the past...

I know everyone says the future is supposed to be fun and exciting and no doubt it will be but i wish i could go back to the past...where mom had a job and we didnt have to worry abt groceries, where i didn't have to worry abt Jackie beating the crap outta me on the first day of school (she threatened that she would) just b/c i used to date her now bf, where i didnt have to figure out how my ex best friend is doing in her pregnancy...i found out from ex best friends boyfriends sister that she is doing fine and shes in her 3rd trimester and there gonna give the baby up for adoption so she can finish senior yr and daddy can finish junior and senior... where i didnt have to worry abt my little brother going crazy and attacking us all...we just recently found a metal pole with a knife duct taped to the top of it like a spear...where my little sister who's 11 and my little brother whos 14 weren't being asked by my mom if they were still virgins...when i didnt have to worry abt failing a class b/c most likely if i did i could still move on to the nxt grade w/o repurcussions,where i didnt have to worry abt if my meager McD's check would cut for my family while mom is looking for a job....so i guess i just miss the past and what used to be...i want just for one day, one thats all,to go back to kindergarten where the biggest drama of the day was who got to play mom when playing house...not who did what to who under the bleachers for how many cookies!?!? i miss what used to be, what couldve been and what will never be...i miss everything...i guess this all just kinda hit me when i saw Angel (my pregnant ex best friend) at orientaion 2 wks ago and just now am processing it enough to be able to put it inot words and it just seems so sad that this is what our life has come too...and my youth pastor says to try and find good core christians friends but Angel was/is (idk anymore) a good core christian but got preganant outside of marraige...and Kirsten is a good core christian but ended up giving her then bf a blowjob...well im def not saying im perfect...(trust me im not) but everyday is a learning phase and i learn something new abt myself everyday and reality of it is,i want people to be there thru everything and not make me put up with bullshit..i want one truth,one reason,one life that doesnt seem to include all the drama such as my life is right now...i want to go back to the past but i guess everything that has happened has all made me a part of who i am today so i really cant complain...honestly i believe im growing up to be a strong independent women that knows how to carry her own weight in the world and not get pushed around and walked all over...and sometimes i need help from the past to push me forward into the future,into the great beyond,into uncharted territory..into the real me...


Thanks for reading....~Bait

I am ENOUGH...!

You cannot change what is part of you
although I've often tried
My body was never thin enough
my imperfections I'd always hide

I smiled when they said I was beautiful
I laughed when they said I was great
But it took a long time to believe in their words
I figured loneliness was my fate

The boys I wanted didn't want me
I was tossed, used and torn
So many took me as a joke,
I crawled inside myself-scared and forlorn.

My self-asteem had let me down,
my belief in myself was nil.
I did not understand where I was headed,
could not understand until...

I finally decided to believe in me,
I realized I was worth so much
This is when I could see through the storm,
when I allowed my soul to be touched

I sometimes wish for money or love,
when times get distressing or tough,
but I know that I will always love myself,
no matter what-
I AM ENOUGH!

I almost killed my mother today....

So this last wk i was looking at this super cute dress online but i didnt wanna buy it off the internet without trying it on cuz oftentimes what stores say is a size 20 (my size) its really a size 14 i swear! so the nearest store that had this dress was at one of the local malls by my house.my mother hates the mall but agreed to go with me to look at this dress. she kept asking if she could have a random heart attack on the way tho which was pretty funny so we got to the mall found parking good parking actually! we went and my mom wanted to be in and outta the mall thats how much she hates it. and i went the wrong way at first so we ended up backtracking and going all the way to the other side of the mall to find Deb's. and then they didnt even have my dress which was pure fuckery! so i tried on some of their other dresses just to look and see and none of them fit.they dont realize that Rachelle has booty and tatas and the dress has to cover both.its not a choose one option. so they failed,all of them! :( but on the way into Deb's we saw Maurice's that had a big sign that said up to size 24 (w00t w00t!) so we decided to stop in there and look and i saw this dress that was absolutely gorgeous...till i looked at the price tag...$75! but i grabbed it anyways to try on and a few other dresses....and the only one that fit and looked good was you guessed it the super expensive one! and i was not willing to fork over $75 for a dress ill prolly wear once! But then i was talking to a saleslady and she told me that my dress was 75% off! so i got a $75 dress for $15 and the most amazing i call them mermaid shoes at Maurices! (my new love!<3.) and then i got jewelry and spanx to go with it to...all for under $100 so i made off with a deal and my mother didnt die going to the mall!

Oh! and i had the most amazing pretzels and cherry lemonade mixer from Auntie Annies! YUM! and my work picnic tomorrow is right by my ex bf's new gf's Jackie's house and theyll prolly be at the park! FUCKERY!

thanks for reading!<3. ~Bait

The Final Ultimatum

Sometimes I feel like a monster
Sometimes I feel like a saint
i'm on my knees
you're my favorite disease
holding you so close
yet you were still so far away
in thoughts,you were never with me
you belong to her
as she belongs to you
her heart becomes whole with you
i'm unsure of your true feelings for her
but i know she loves you
she really loves you
her love for you is genuine and real
maybe you two are meant to be
maybe that's exactly as God intended
The Jew and Jackie,meant to be?
You still hold a part of me,Yasher.
You say you still love me
but you're still with her
if she doesn't still hold your heart
she still cherishes,treasures and loves your heart and soul
loves you deeply i'm sure
i love you too as does she.
Make your choice,
me or her?!

My glorious day at work!

So at work today (i work at a McD's) this guy came in completly high! and wanted to order 42,000 cheeseburgers,600 large fries,46 large sodas,and 402 apple pies.This made me laugh as we obviously could not fill said order plus he wanted to pay for all of this with $40.Needless to say we ended up making him 56 cheeseburgers.He ate them all and then left all the wrappers and at least a good 10 burgers(in crumbs) on the table for me to clean up!i was angry!grrr! *mad face* ~Bait