I was inspired...

I was inspired by MTV's If you really knew me:

25 things you probably don't know about me:

1. When I was very young I had a 104 degree fever losing my enemal on my teeth.
2. I deal with depression every day of my life.
3. Two years ago on Sept 10th, I made a choice to stop cutting. I hope I never have to go back to that.
4. I am more independent than the world allows me right now.
5. My dad is not in my life, adn will not ever again be in my life.
6. I plan to go to college for Special Education.
7. My little brother is my greatest inspiration.
8. My aunt is my one true role model.
9. The love of my life will be joining the Marines next yr.
10. My best friend is getting married to her Air Force fiancee in 2 yrs after he gets back from England.
11. I'm leaning more and more away from Chrisitanity every day. I do not like how judgemental it is.
12. My goal in life is to visit New York.
13. Honestly I feel as if I don't matter to the world, why even try?
14. I'll never be good enough for my mother.
15. Music is my escape and now that I cannot currently find my ipod, I'm going crazy.
16. If I could get in my car and just drive right now i totally would.
17. I really want to just get on a bus one day and see where I end up.
18. I hate my name, Rachel! It will be changed to Rachelle the day i turn 18.
19. My first crush that I had in Elementary School had the most gorgoeous red hair... Now he smokes pot..
20. My paternal grandmother's facebook pic is her chugging Jack Daniels.
21. I love my grandpa more than life. The day he dies I will be in hysterics.
22. This summer alone I have lost 55lbs. So why don't i feel pretty yet?
23. I can play guitar and I do write some of my own songs.
24. I never wear makeup. I feel like a whore when I do.
25. I don't know that anyone would care if I died today.

I feel the world twisting and turning
Like the rollercoaster we rode together just a few weeks past.
I'm afraid you'll walk right outta my life,
Yet I can't get you outta my head.

When I picture the future it's you I see.
I can't think of it any other way.
The life I've chosen,
The life I've led isn't the greatest.
Sometimes I wish I could change it.
But never change you,

When I hear those words, "bitchface", "whore"
Directed at me by you, I thought you loved me?
I don't hear a joking tone or a sexual manner.
I hear, "I don't respect you. Get out of my life."
Everytime I say it and I'll continue to,
"If you want me out of your life, say it and I'm gone."
The words left unspoken keep me awake at night.
Did I just catch him off guard?
Did he not have a thought to speak?
Does he really want me in his life?

Am I just a twisted jumble of garbage?
His suitable arm candy?
Well I have a girlfriend so I must be cool!
Even if it is the fat chick.

I wonder, do you really love me?
Or do you see the same thing I do when I look in the mirror?
The ugly, imperfect, fat chick.

Drop 150 lbs, die your hair, grow it long, wear contacts and makeup and you *might* have a chance at being pretty.

Oh, the effect you have on me.

I wrote this poem yesterday while sitting at Culvers for 5 hrs waiting for my boy to get off at 10. Just watching him work and then his eyes shift over to me it melted me so i wrote this... Enjoy!

When I look into your eyes,

there's a light,

a bright light,

that says "I love my big girl"

When you wrap your arms around me

I know you don't want to lose me.

When you smile,

that bright illuminating smile of yours,

it fills the room

and my heart.

When you whisper those 3 words,

my head on your shoulder,

"I love you" I smile.

The tenderness

and vulnerability held in those 3 words

make me realize you speak the truth.

Truth be told,

I love you,

Tho you don't believe me.

You love me.

I know you do.

We may not last forever

or even another day

but true love doesn't expire.

True love will conquer all.

We may not possess true love.

We may not possess love for one another,

But in the here and now,

I'm your girl,

You're my boy.

I wouldn't trade you for the world

and

I love you.