I miss the past...

I know everyone says the future is supposed to be fun and exciting and no doubt it will be but i wish i could go back to the past...where mom had a job and we didnt have to worry abt groceries, where i didn't have to worry abt Jackie beating the crap outta me on the first day of school (she threatened that she would) just b/c i used to date her now bf, where i didnt have to figure out how my ex best friend is doing in her pregnancy...i found out from ex best friends boyfriends sister that she is doing fine and shes in her 3rd trimester and there gonna give the baby up for adoption so she can finish senior yr and daddy can finish junior and senior... where i didnt have to worry abt my little brother going crazy and attacking us all...we just recently found a metal pole with a knife duct taped to the top of it like a spear...where my little sister who's 11 and my little brother whos 14 weren't being asked by my mom if they were still virgins...when i didnt have to worry abt failing a class b/c most likely if i did i could still move on to the nxt grade w/o repurcussions,where i didnt have to worry abt if my meager McD's check would cut for my family while mom is looking for a job....so i guess i just miss the past and what used to be...i want just for one day, one thats all,to go back to kindergarten where the biggest drama of the day was who got to play mom when playing house...not who did what to who under the bleachers for how many cookies!?!? i miss what used to be, what couldve been and what will never be...i miss everything...i guess this all just kinda hit me when i saw Angel (my pregnant ex best friend) at orientaion 2 wks ago and just now am processing it enough to be able to put it inot words and it just seems so sad that this is what our life has come too...and my youth pastor says to try and find good core christians friends but Angel was/is (idk anymore) a good core christian but got preganant outside of marraige...and Kirsten is a good core christian but ended up giving her then bf a blowjob...well im def not saying im perfect...(trust me im not) but everyday is a learning phase and i learn something new abt myself everyday and reality of it is,i want people to be there thru everything and not make me put up with bullshit..i want one truth,one reason,one life that doesnt seem to include all the drama such as my life is right now...i want to go back to the past but i guess everything that has happened has all made me a part of who i am today so i really cant complain...honestly i believe im growing up to be a strong independent women that knows how to carry her own weight in the world and not get pushed around and walked all over...and sometimes i need help from the past to push me forward into the future,into the great beyond,into uncharted territory..into the real me...


Thanks for reading....~Bait